I am full of questions. Where will I work next year? Why did I do this program? Is it really that unhealthy to eat five apple fritters from Donut Den in one sitting? Now that we’re beginning month seven of the Fellows program, my innate tendency is to allow these questions to overpower me, leaving me in a state of profound worry.
As a young adult facing the great, wide, world, it is undeniably easy to slip into a state ranging between hyperactive concern and catatonic indifference. All of the security blankets are gone, and you’ve got to strike out on your own like John Wayne in all his Western glory, a perfect example of security forging ahead into the unknown. What a load of poppycock.
That’s the thing about feeling unstable isn’t it? We always aim to seem as polished as possible on the outside, while a storm of emotions rages within us.
At this point in the Fellows program, none of us know what our next step will be. A few of us may have some glimpse of where the future lies, but even that is veiled in a layer of uncertainty. We came here to get clarity on where we should go, right? Why, then, at this point, does everything seem so uncertain?
The rub of all of this, you see, is that life itself is a wheel of unpredictability. No matter which stage you are in, there are always unknowns, questions that need answering. Looking at this year as the answer to a question, therefore, is futile. We were brought here, not to find solutions to life’s dilemmas, but to delve more deeply into the well of Christ’s love.
When I came to Nashville, I never expected that God would call me into the Episcopal Church. This year was supposed to be a gap year before seminary. My plan for my life was set in stone, but the Lord showed me that what seemed like stone to me was nothing more than dust, which could be blown away.
I often wonder whether or not the Lord drastically alters the course of our plans as a wake-up call to us. Maybe God draws us into the wilderness for the very reason that we need to recognize that He accompanies us into the safari of our souls.
Matthew 4:1 says, “Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness…” The Spirit led Jesus into the place of hardship…into the place of questioning. Jesus was not alone in the wilderness, He was with His Father, and in the same way, we are with our Father when we are placed in times of uncertainty and instability.
If I am learning anything in my Fellows season, it is that Christ is with me in my questions. I do not know why my life has taken the turn it has, and trying to see the shape of what may be is like trying to contain smoke in my hand. Regardless of that, however, I see more and more every day the Lord is faithful and that He will not abandon me. The future is uncertain, but so are the beginnings of all great adventures. The question is, where will you let faith take you?