At this point in the Fellows Program, the reality of life is just setting in. The two-month mark is a
pivotal time where situations look differently compared to even a few weeks ago. With the veneer
of newness and excitement fading fast (or completely gone in some cases), the reality of life’s
hardships flood in on a daily basis. Inconveniences are more apparent with host families. Work
has gone from an exciting learning curve to a daily, painful grind. Time moves slow when you
want it to move fast, fast when you want it to move slow, and true rest becomes a coveted
unicorn.

So what happened in two month’s time!? Why does life feel so much harder? Why do I often
operate with a low-grade annoyance at youth group, work, and home? Am I more selfish now?
Why do I feel exhausted? Why does God feel distant? Why do I feel like I’m merely surviving,
not thriving? When will I finally feel ok?

I don’t propose to know the answers to these questions.But very quickly, I think a healthy look at our God—who is outside of time and space— will comfort us in our interactions with sucky spaces and frustrating times. The Psalmist tells us “He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber.” (121:3 NIV)

God has not overslept. He’s not running late. Nothing slipped his mind. He watches us
constantly and he knows exactly what we are going through. (Ex. 2:25 ESV)

Isaiah 31:1 is surprisingly pertinent to modern eyes and ears: “Woe to those who go down to
Egypt for help and rely on horses, who trust in chariots because they are many and in horsemen
because they are very strong, but do not look to the Holy One of Israel or consult the LORD!”

Often I find myself “going down to Egypt” to trust in things like: a busy schedule, approval from
people at work, being on top of things, impressing new people, and knowing more than others.
So I especially need the reminder to NOT trust these things. These things look strong and
numerous, even able to save us, but in the end they stress us out and put us back on the
hamster wheel of chasing the next thing to make us whole. Sometimes believing the Gospel
feels crazy, unsatisfactory, and like we are intentionally putting ourselves at a disadvantage to
the rest of the world. Good thing Paul reminds us that what we believe really is folly to the world.
(1 Cor. 1:21-25 ESV)

Instead of worldly gods, the equivalent of idols overlaid with silver, we have a God who, though
outside of time and space, entered into both to pursue and save us. He put on flesh, learned
language and how to process colors, and suffered the shame of the cross, for us. That puts my
momentary pressure points into context.

Even more, he offers us a remedy to life’s difficulties: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy
laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matt. 11:28 ESV)

If any of this resonates with you, I invite you to assume the role of the man in Luke 5, and see
just how willing Jesus is to help: While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!”

Jesus desires to touch even the most hideous and shameful parts of us. He wants all of our
longings, our pent-up frustrations, our dreams for the rest of The Fellows Program and the rest
of life, so that he might fill them all with Himself. Though the Fellows Program is demanding
physically, emotionally, spiritually, and every other way, I pray we can look through the busyness
of our schedules to remember to lean into the truth that God uses hard things to make us more
like Him.

He knows our frame; he knows that we quickly run to momentary rest. He gives us hard
seasons so that we might give ourselves more and more to him: so that we might echo Charles
Spurgeon in saying, “I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.”

“So what’s the fellows program?”

Well let’s see, do you have about ten minutes to spare while I jump from one explanation to the next and at the end of our conversation rather than feeling enlightened, you most likely feel further confused?

Awesome!

I felt this for about 4 months leading up to my journey from Texas to Nashville, as well as in moments during the past two months of officially being a “Nashville Fellow”.

Some people comprehend the program after hearing the details and other times they know what it is without a need for explanation, but more often a blank stare is the common response I receive, which I completely understand. Heck, half the time I have no clue how to describe the fact that I went from living with five of my best friends from college to moving into the home of empty nesters who welcomed me with open arms even though we had never met. Makes sense! Now I find myself in a city I have never lived with a couple I am still getting to know, but there is an immediate upside. They happen to have an incredible espresso machine . 

But since I’ve been here, every preconceived notion one might have about this program or questioning the significance of this year has been completely shattered.

More often than not the enigma that this program presents has actually mirrored many circumstances the Lord places in our lives. Moments we cannot explain or relate to through words but rather experience.

Sometimes we are pushed from a stagnant and complacent season of life with an inexplicable calling into an unfamiliar community. And this leap of faith has been the most crucial in my life thus far. I’ve seen what it looks like to move somewhere completely alone and on your own.

To be welcomed by strangers with open arms

Two host parents who go above and beyond to make me feel like their own daughter

I’ve experienced inclusivity with no expectation

An Auburn football game…. War Eagle

What it looks like to be generous in both materialistic and non-materialistic ways

The need to study what we believe- and never cease

Intergenerational friendship

What it feels like when your car stalls in the middle of an intersection

Uncertainty in being young

Uncertainty in being old

A life without Tex-Mex

Differing opinions meeting on middle ground

Happiness is a 9pm bedtime in the work world

The most unlikely pairings of friendship

Satisfaction in the unknown

The struggle of keeping in touch with those you love

The balance in new & old friends

Sixteen twenty-two year olds with varying backgrounds living in Christian community with one another

And a 20 something year-old girl finding her place within a new city & state, which she now calls her own.

There has been good and bad, but even the bad has had pieces of good. Often, seasons of our lives don’t make sense and sometimes the Lord calls us into a community with no explanation. And it may take us ten minutes to explain this, or in other instances ten years to a lifetime. But the Lord’s purpose remains constant.

I am confident more than ever that there is more significance in a challenge than in an easy reach and that one day, just maybe, I will buy an espresso machine of my own.

*The Fellows Program is dedicated to engaging young leaders with the beauty and the ugliness of our culture - seeking to be thoughtful in our responses and praying to shed light into even the darkest places. This week a Fellow reflects on tragedy amidst the Fellows' year.

It is Sunday morning. I wake up, shower, brush my teeth, and prepare for the day ahead. It was a beautiful day as I remember, not too hot or cold, but just right. I went to church, then had lunch with some friends, and later on went to a concert. I even somehow managed to get a full tank of gas for $0.12.  A miracle right? If you had asked me how my day was going I would have told you it was pretty good. I mean, it was just another day, I thought. That was up until the next morning. 

At least 50 dead and hundreds injured. 

Let that sink in. 

That is the headline I woke up to last Monday morning. What? Why? How? Those were my first questions as I wrestled with what has actually happened in our country once again. I really couldn’t believe what had occurred. I mean so many people, like me, that may have thought Sunday was just another day. 

After the initial shock wore off I found myself thinking, “This is how it is. This is what our country has come to.” I sadly felt the conviction of thinking I should indeed normalize these tragedies that are happening in our country daily. I had actually come to the point of thinking this is all we are. 

As I sit with the fact that we are broken people, I can’t truly make myself believe that this is all we are as a country. There has to be more to us than this. In fact, I am reminded of the fact that even in scripture suffering occurred and God was faithful then, so I know that He will be faithful now. Romans 8:18-19 NIV - “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.” 

I don’t understand all the reasons why these things happen, but I do know that they are not worth comparing to the glory of God that will later be revealed in us. It is through this verse that I am able to find hope for the future. I am also reminded through this tragedy to appreciate each day as if it is our last. Even on the days that seem insignificant, they are important and should be appreciated.