Romans 15:13 says,

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

This verse was so graciously sent to me as I sat in a hospice room last week with my aunt who had been fighting breast cancer for the last four years. Instead of being reassured and comforted by that promise from God that Paul writes to the people of Rome and Christians everywhere, I was angered by it. Gods good promises that I have recited and repeated back to myself all throughout my somewhat simple and comfortable life were no longer sticking when deep and true sorrow was thrown in my direction.

For a while now, I have been feeling anything but love from God. I have been questioning His goodness and contemplating my purpose in even continuing to speak with Him. I didn't mention to many people that I was having these doubts because I felt ashamed and for so many years I had been taught and believed that God is always good and I should “pray without ceasing”. These doubts manifested deeper when my aunt’s chemo was just making her more sick and it was beginning to look like all hope for her being healed was lost. I grew so angry at God for ignoring all my pleas for Him to heal her. All of the comments and promises like “God has a plan for this happening” and “He can bring good out of every terrible situation” just angered me more. I felt like my prayers were useless and others prayers were helpless. It was all a lost cause and God was anywhere but near my family and I. I could not see how He could ever possibly make something as awful as the effects of my aunts cancer or anyone's cancer for that matter into something good.

A couple days into what we knew as our last days with Memel (her nickname given to her from all her nieces and nephews) I tried to push through my anger and resentment towards God and pray for her and my family anyways. Out of all the kind and loving friends that came to visit her in the hospital, one woman came from my aunt and uncles church. No one knew her but she said it was her job to visit members of the church in hospice and their families. She told us that throughout her experiences with people passing away a common occurrence that will take place is they will open their eyes and look off to the left right before they take their last breaths. She was unsure what it meant but liked to believe that is the moment they are going to be with the Lord. No more than 30 minutes later, my aunt was doing just that. She was looking up and to the left. And in that instance, I was struck with awe and disbelief. My first thought was, “I am looking at someone who could quite possibly be looking at the face of God right in this moment”. I stared at her as she stared up and to the left and imagined what she was looking at and how she was feeling. Was she on her knees in praise or being embraced by Jesus? Was she being welcomed by people she had loved who had gone before her? Was she completely overwhelmed with joy to be in the presence of the maker of the Heavens and the Earth? I had no answers for what she could have possibly been looking at in the left hand corner of that hospital room but what I did know was that all my anger was gone and what was left was a peace and assurance that what I had just witnessed was good and holy. All of Gods promises that I had bitterly been holding on to were resonating with me and as I was thinking them to myself, I was truly believing them.

He answered my prayers to heal my aunt and He did it in the full. I don't doubt God’s incredible goodness and faithfulness towards me and my family throughout this trying time anymore. He was without a doubt walking alongside us the entire time but I couldn't see it through my stubbornness for him to answer my prayers the exact way I wanted Him to. God for sure does not always answer our prayers in the ways we expect but He always always always is working in our lives for the ultimate good, for His ultimate good. He wants us to never doubt that He loves us more than our small minds can comprehend and although we are not promised an easy pain free life, He does promise that He will never ever let us walk through it alone.

My heart aches and my eyes usually instantly well up with tears at the thought of my aunt not being here with my family anymore. There is no doubt that moving on in life without her will be difficult but I would never wish for her to be here continuing to suffer now that she is healed to her fullest potential and experiencing unending satisfaction with more love than I can even begin to fathom. This past week God granted me a beautiful assurance of the promises He has made to me. That He loves me, He is very good and He never leaves my side. Through this painful experience with my aunt, I am able to see God as “the God of hope who will fill me with all joy and peace as I trust in Him so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit”. And I can now say without bitterness and anger, praise be to our God of all hope and goodness for the life of my aunt Memel.

Almost everyone I’m familiar with knows this about me: I love hearing and trying to understand different perspectives. I don’t care whether it’s a perspective put forth by a friend, a professor, or a stranger I met a few moments ago; regardless, I’m intrigued by the philosophies and thought processes by which people live. My life is made richer by each unique narrative I hear, especially when they increase my knowledge and expand my ability to empathize. In this way, Fellows has been so special for me. I’ve gotten to hear eight new perspectives from eight precious new friends.  

But in some ways, this variety of perspectives that enriches my life also complicates it. I experienced this in college when I studied other religions. It was easier for me to disregard Buddhism before I studied its texts and read about the compassionate and sacrificial lives of many Buddhists. It was simpler to dismiss atheists as stubborn and arrogant until I heard firsthand how my friend had agonized and wrestled with her faith before reluctantly letting it go. Harder still was approaching the differences within the Christian faith itself. Why were there so many church denominations? How could two Christians read the same passage and come away with different meanings? How could two people I trusted use the phrase “theologically sound” to describe two churches with completely different viewpoints? With varying perspectives on doctrine, exegesis, and experience accosting me on every side, I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things I could believe, and thus became almost incapable of believing anything.

This has been the state of my spiritual life over the past few years: confused, skeptical, overwhelmed, agonizing, captivated, and at times frightened and feeling perilously close to unbelief. This was also my state when the Fellows program graciously accepted me. While I definitely cannot say that my doubts are completely gone, this Fellows year has challenged me to think about these things in a new light that fosters hope and encouragement. I want to share three quotes with you that, in the context of the Church and the Fellows program, have helped me throughout the past few months.

1. “As the creator of all things, God also created Sociology, and is thus the best sociologist. He understands group dynamics better than anyone else and He knows that what draws you to the Church is different from what draws other people.”

This quote came from Bruce Lowe, a pastor and professor who taught at our Vocations Retreat. I understand this quote to mean that while everyone needs the truth and grace and community offered through the Church, the way we receive these things might look different. I’m drawn to the Episcopal tradition because of my past experiences and where I am in life right now. But other church traditions are drawing in individuals who have different needs because of their experiences and where they are in life. It’s important to realize that God is honoring our differences while using them to draw us closer to Him and to others. When thought about this way, denominations cease to worry me; rather, they cause me to marvel at the complexity of our God.

2. “We’ve individualized this thing of faith so much. In a way, that makes it inaccessible to people because they’re like, well, I don’t know if I believe this. Like the Apostles’ Creed. I can’t say the Creed because I don’t know if I believe every line in the Creed. I’m like, oh, my God. Nobody believes every line of the Creed. But in a room of people, for each line of the Creed, somebody believes it. So we’re covered, right?”

For those of you familiar with Lutheran pastor Nadia Bolz-Weber, whom I've read some on my own, you know that she loves hyperbole and humor. This quote does not mean that Bolz-Weber thinks you can pick and choose which Christian doctrines to believe; it also does not mean our beliefs can save other people. However, I think it does mean that within our Church communities there is room for doubt and questioning without a sense of panic or urgency. While I might struggle with the concept of predestination, you might struggle to believe that God is good. In this way we can support and encourage each other in our weaknesses and in our strengths. This also makes sense to me in view of the larger Church that includes all cultures and denominations. I don’t believe that any single church has gotten Christianity “correct.” I do, however, believe that each church—like each person—has its strengths and weaknesses that we can use to teach one another. This is something the ecumenical nature of the Nashville Fellows has made me consider.

3. “God has shown me more of Himself through you this year…without you I simply wouldn’t know that side of Him.”

This last quote came from one of my fellow Fellows and was written to me because we all wrote affirmations to each other for Valentine’s Day. While I will forever cherish this sweet compliment, I don’t think this attribute is unique to me. I think that everyone we meet allows us to see slightly more of God. If people were created in God’s image, every person we meet provides a chance to experience God in a unique way. This is a beautiful example of how God is so much more than we could ever imagine or understand.

So this is where I stand today: still confused and bewildered, yet encouraged and excited to learn more about a God who is infinitely complex, diverse, and inclusive. And I’m so incredibly grateful to have the resources of three churches at my fingertips and the safety of eight trustworthy friends around me as I blindly stumble towards Jesus and the cross.

WARNING: If you are familiar with my blog posts, you know I typically gush about my fellow Fellows for about 500 words. This post is no different. If you don’t want to hear how great Charlie, Jill, Emily, Andy, Sara, Ali, Mary, and Lauren are, you should shut your laptop or continue playing Candy Crush. If you do, read on. 

Ah, Valentine’s Day. Some hate it; some love it. Me? I suppose I’m a bit indifferent. That’s a lie. I resent cheesy Hallmark commercials, the movie Valentine’s Day, and all the chocolate weight I try to lose during March. To be quite frank, I’ve never really liked Valentine’s Day. Until today. 

All of my Valentine’s up until today have been filled with (mostly) singleness, watching couples be happy, and lots and lots of chocolate and some wine. Today, it was different. Okay, chocolate and wine were consumed. 

But this morning, I got on the St. George’s bus with my fellow Fellows to go to a Fellows' event and was given a piece of paper. On this piece of paper were eight paragraphs from my fellow Fellows (say that five times fast?). 

About a week ago, our sweet, sweet Fellow, Andy Moore, sent a group email asking if we’d all send him tidbits about each other for him to compile a list to send to our director so she (and our super duper Fellow Sara) could put them together. 

This is what I received this morning. Eight paragraphs of affirmation, truth, and love from eight people I am wild about. Eight different angles of me that I often fail to see. It hit me that love isn’t always feeling happy with a person. It isn’t this comforting bliss you feel around a person whenever you’re with them. Don’t get me wrong, I love these people, (if only y’all had a dollar for every time I said that) but our relationships are far from perfect. 

We snap, we bend, we break, we figure it out. What makes our bond one of love is that we truly know one another. I’ve never felt more loved, accepted, and fully known by one group of people. The things that were written about me not only made me feel incredibly loved, valued, and affirmed, but they made me realize this group of people sees my strengths. Even when I don’t. 

And that - that is love. Love is looking at someone and saying, “You are enough. Even when you don’t think you are, I see your strength, and I hold it in high regard. I love you.” I was told that eight times over today, and I couldn’t be happier—despite the (happy) tears currently streaming down my face. 

I’m in love with these people. I strive to tell them why they are affirmed and loved every day. I yearn to do this because Jesus did it for me. He looked at sinners, prostitutes, and tax-collectors and said, “Hey, here’s why you're strong. Here’s how you can grow my Kingdom.”

So, Charlie, Jill, Emily, Andy, Sara, Ali, Mary, Lauren, and Mama T. I love you guys. A whole lot. More than wine and chocolate. <3