This past Monday the Fellows looked at (among other things) the book of Hebrews and the topic of suffering. Scotty Smith and Jon Young were excellent, as always, and I could never imagine that our leadership lunch would tie in so closely to what we had been studying that particular morning.

During this lunch we heard from a priest about his fight against the sex slavery trade. Needless to say, after our time concluded I felt that all the light in the world had been extinguished. How could I bear the weight of such intense suffering, let alone the suffering that I experience in my life?

Paul, in his second letter to the Corinthian church makes a bold statement about suffering, saying “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison” (2 Cor. 4:17). So, is Paul wrong or naive about reality or is he fiercely, unyieldingly hopeful in the goodness of Jesus? Thankfully it was Paul who also said in 1:8-9 “For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death…” I more closely relate to this Paul, and yet he holds both of these statements as true.

As we were reminded in class: modern day western Christians are not good at suffering. We simply don’t experience it in the way the world has historically suffered! But that does not discount our experiences of suffering. Anxiety, depression, incurable illnesses, the death of loved ones, estranged relationships, and the 23-year-old crisis of “who am I and what do I want” are just about enough to sink me any day of the week. As we all suffer, perhaps a few brief takeaways/thoughts are in order:

As Paul says in the second half of 2 Corinthians 1:9 “But this was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” As I usually rage and wag my fist at God, crying “why are you allowing this to happen!” I rarely think about this reason. The God of the universe wants me to rely on him! He knows that I fall short even to satisfy and guide myself. Jesus claims in Matt. 11:28 to provide rest for the weary and heavy laden and yet so often I confuse dependence for weakness and hail self-reliance as strength, denying my heavy laden-ness, which leads to burn out and isolation and more anxiety. As Richie Sessions once said, “We are all looking for a soft place for our souls to land.” More and more I need to hear Jesus say, “and you will find rest for your souls.”

Secondly, my focus is often wrong in suffering. As Jon Young reminded me: I need to cease understanding suffering and learn to trust it. I have such a great ability to over analyze situations to the point of mind-numbingly faulty conclusions. My processing of suffering often leads to more confusion, fear, and isolation! As I try to humble myself to the point of not having to comprehend everything, I am reminded more of my dependence on God and can begin to breathe a little bit even in the unknown. Psalm 131: 1-2 says “O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.” As one of my favorite Spurgeon quotes reminds me “God is too good to be unkind and He is too wise to be mistaken. And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart.”

And what is the heart of God?

“Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world. He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high.” (Heb. 1:1-3)

Majesty, glory, power, turned to death on a cross – made a curse – for us. That he would send his only son to save unsaveable sinners. That he would take on lowliness instead of splendor and live life perfectly to the cross, suffering the whole way. Now I can begin to see a glimmer of what Paul was talking about in 2 Corinthians. What can separate us from the father’s love! In anticipation of Easter, I pray that God will help us continue suffering with the knowledge of the weight of glory purchased and secured for us by God himself. And that He grant us buoyant hearts in the midst of a tempestuous world.

“Jesus, I my cross have taken,                                               

 All to leave and follow Thee.                                                                                                 

Destitute, despised, forsaken,                                                                                                         

Thou from hence my all shall be.                                                                                                 

Perish every fond ambition,                                                                                                               

All I’ve sought or hoped or known.                                                                                                   

Yet how rich is my condition!                                                                                                         

God and heaven are still my own.”

In 2018 the Fellows have been diving deeper into the value of self-awareness amidst a season of volatility. Quite literally every climate has left its mark this winter in Nashville. As we grapple to stay in touch with our identity, I wanted to discuss a few memorable progressions.

Navigating the complexities of 21st century vocational callings is challenging. Loads of information and opportunities complicate modern culture and the very nature of self-discovery. With more options to make a living than ever before, it’s difficult to see young adults lost and unsatisfied. Not to mention that in demand jobs in 2010 did not even exist in 2004. You see companies like google tapping every industry they can to curb risk ramifications of technology and capitalism. Any one of google's bread and butters won’t exist in 5 years and we’re preparing for jobs that don’t even exist yet. All to say, vocational acumen was hard to discern for most of the Fellows.

Bill and Suz are consultants who joined us on our vocations retreat to help us navigate the daunting question of personal vocation. We were reminded of the beauty in our gifts. Not given to us for us, but first to God’s glory, and then to bless others. The weekend equipped us with tools to understand core competencies and shortcomings. Conversations encouraged honesty within ourselves, owning our uniqueness, and how to translate competencies to serve God and his kingdom best. My ability to think on a long-term time frame was one of the more interesting affirmations of the weekend. Commercial real estate development is a long-term game with significant leg work on the front end. I enjoy that behind the scenes stake in something bigger to come down the road. All in all, the weekend touched and affirmed many vocational competencies that I look forward to developing throughout my career.

Consumerism is also worth looking into, especially as a millennial. We’re constantly pulled at the core to stay up to date (socially, politically, and vocationally) and learn new skills. This hunger keeps us motivated and always busy. A large part of my job is following real estate and related industries to best plan and account for the future. The shear wealth of information to study is fascinating but unending. Modern work culture leaves little to no time for self-evaluation and reflection when we’re spending 99% of our time and efforts in places other than our own. For a long time, I was stuck and found my identity within my anxiety. I figured it must be just how I was supposed to be, rationalizing that it could be worse, and finally that nothing I could do would change it. I have grown a lot through being intentional with self-care amidst hectic circumstances this year. Mindfulness has been a pivotal tool for me and a few other Fellows in our group. It reconnects one to their God given core, not by eliminating thoughts or feelings, but instead through mature discernment.

Some of our recent studies have included Theology of The Human Body by Christopher West. I’ll mention a few interesting questions we wrestled with as a group. What is the meaning of life? Self-sacrifice, to die to ourselves, to live how God designed us for his purposes and ultimately others. Why did God create us male and female? It’s to show us the completion of God - and to experience love on earth how the trinity is in Heaven. The circulating metaphor encompasses our need for Christ, community, and church. Why is there evil in the world and how do we overcome it? Evil exists because of Adam’s original sin; we now live in a fallen world. We overcome it by knowing God. Our bodies are meant to be redeemed. The love of God is manifested in our bodies where the spiritual and physical life intersect. How do we attain true happiness on earth? Dying to Christ, laying down your life for his purposes. Whoever wants to lose his life may find it. The son of man did not come to be served but to serve. Forget yourself, focus on using your gifts to help others. What kind of joys await us in heaven? Union with Christ, freedom from judgment, selfishness, and cheap love. These conversations brought a significant amount of purpose to what we had come to know about ourselves.

I’ll leave you with a piece of scripture and a prayer that have impacted me this year:

“To each a manifestation is given to the common good.” (1 Corinthians 12: 7) All of our gifts matter. If we don't use them, everyone is at a loss including ourselves.

O God, you made us in your own image and redeemed us
through Jesus your Son: Look with compassion on the whole
human family; take away the arrogance and hatred which
infect our hearts; break down the walls that separate us;
unite us in bonds of love; and work through our struggle and
confusion to accomplish your purposes on earth; that, in
your good time, all nations and races may serve you in
harmony around your heavenly throne; through Jesus Christ
our Lord. Amen.

- Book of Common Prayer

An aspect that makes the Nashville Fellows program unique in comparison to others is its’ ecumenical nature. Out of the three churches partnered with the program one is of the Episcopalian tradition and the other two are PCA (Presbyterian Church of America). On top of that out of us 15 fellows there are many varying backgrounds and traditions in the Christian faith. This was something from the start that drew me specifically to the Nashville program.

Throughout this year we have touched on varying topics within Christian theology ranging from Calvinism in reformed theology, the sacraments of more orthodox traditions, and even discussing things like Pope John Paul II’s reflections on the theology of the body. Often intertwined in these “light topics” we address very “light questions” such as: what is the meaning of life? As one might expect, a question such as this may result in varying opinions and heated discussions, but also very beautiful revelations both internally and externally for each person. I think if any quote sums up the many theological discussions we have had as a fellows group this year it would be that each person has been, “able to agree with the things they do believe in, question the things they’re not sure about, and disagree with the things they don’t believe in”.

I can’t take credit for this quote. It belongs to our ever wise and faithful director Theresa.

This year we have been invited to enter into controversial, joyful, frustrating, enlightening, and sometimes even tiring conversations within Christian theology and the faith our Lord has given us. The Church the Lord has left to us, and the hope that one day Christian unity is something that exists rather than anticipated are things we have been grappling through together.

I know the communication skills I have gained in bridging the gaps of opinions that differ from my own will carry with me throughout the rest of my life (and will continue to modify because I know I am nowhere near mastery of this skill). However, it has been so wonderful to sit in a room with 15 intelligent people each Monday who, agree or disagree and sometimes agree to disagree, on many different topics within our faith. “Our” being the key word we have had to remind ourselves of when leaving a passionate conversation.

Ultimately, we are to be reminded of Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 12:12-14

“As a body is one though it has many parts, and all the parts of the body, though many, are one body, so also Christ. For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body, whether Jews or Greeks, slaves or free persons, and we were all given to drink of one Spirit. Now the body is not a single part, but many.”

He goes on further to say in 1 Corinthians 12:20-22

“But as it is, there are many parts, yet one body. The eye cannot say to the hand “I do not need you”, nor again the head to the feet, “I do not need you.” Indeed, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are all the more necessary.”

In fact I need my sisters and brothers in Christ that I disagree with. When we push away from those we disagree with we do not function as a proper body in Christ with the absence of that person. Instead, we are called to enter into these difficult conversations. I am a lousy eye without my head, and some of these people have become my head (in the most wonderful way possible). I acknowledge that there are differing theologies and opinions within the Christian faith, but I have learned it’s the willingness of either side to walk away with the same respect for the other that they began with. And I will fully admit that I have failed at this, but it is something I will continue to work on.

It is important to remember we are bound in our creed,

“I believe in one God,
the Father almighty,
maker of heaven and earth,
of all things visible and invisible.                                                                                                           

I believe in one Lord Jesus Christ,
the Only Begotten Son of God,
born of the Father before all ages.
God from God, Light from Light, 
true God from true God,
begotten, not made, consubstantial with the Father;
through him all things were made.
For us and for our salvation
he came down from heaven,                                                                                                              and by the Holy Spirit was incarnate of the Virgin Mary,
and became man.                                                                                                                                For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate,
he suffered death and was buried,  
and rose again on the third day
in accordance with the Scriptures.
He ascended into heaven
and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again in glory
to judge the living and the dead
and his kingdom will have no end.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life,
who proceeds from the Father and the Son,
who with the Father and the Son is adored and glorified,
who has spoken through the prophets.

I believe in one, holy, catholic and apostolic Church.
I confess one Baptism for the forgiveness of sins
and I look forward to the resurrection of the dead
and the life of the world to come.

Amen.”

And most of all it is important to remember we are bound in our love for Christ and His love for us.

How thankful I am that the Lord died for a sinner like me.