We live in a world that fills our subconscious thoughts with so many different ideas of what we should be known for or what we should be clinging to. Whether it be our friends, job, family, education, number of followers on instagram, music we listen to, church we attend, sports team we associate with, etc., we all identify with something. While these things we invest our time and resources in are not bad, they can be harmful when we start to rely on them as our source of hope; what we run to first for fulfillment. What I have realized is that prior to this program my hope was placed in the idea that after these 9 months of learning and growing all the puzzle pieces would come together. That I would come in and love everything about my “new life” here in Nashville and that I would be affirmed in the realms of life that I have been unsure of. While I have not had the affirmation in certain aspects I imagined, especially vocationally, I think the questioning has been more beneficial than the affirmation I had hoped for.
This season is bringing me to a place of questioning God’s calling for my life and where I can best serve His kingdom. I have been reconsidering where and what that might be. Have I made the right choices vocationally? What will work look like for me in the future? Where can I best serve His kingdom? These are some questions I have been wrestling with lately. I am learning that my life isn’t just a puzzle that I am working to put together perfectly to reach a state of completion and realizing that has brought so much freedom. He is teaching me to let go of my pride in thinking I am powerful enough to complete the puzzle. Only God is powerful enough for that kind of work.
So no, I do not know if I am in a place that I will be forever, or even for one more year. I do not know what occupation or education I will pursue or enter into next. I also do not know where I will be or the community I might be surrounded by. I do know that I am a daughter of our one true King and that is where my identity and hope is found. It is not always the easiest place for me to find it, but I know that my hope can only be found in Christ alone. That is the place that I will be reaffirmed.
Hebrews 10:23 says, “Let us hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, since he who promised is faithful.” Christ’s faithfulness is why we can cling to this hope, even though my hope will waver, His faithfulness will not. If my life depended on my hope and faithfulness to Him alone then I would be in deep trouble. Thankfully a life of faith is not just about my faithfulness to Him, but more importantly His faithfulness to me.
To end with, I want to share a song that has been dear to my heart and has brought many slivers of encouragement to me in the past few months. It is “I Don't Wanna Go” by Chris Renzema and these lyrics speak right to my heart, every time.
“I will go where you go
I will stay where you stay
Cause I don't wanna go if you're not going before me
Like Jesus in the garden
Will you take this cup from me
Like Jesus in the garden
You don't call where you won't lead
I wanna love like you love
I wanna bleed like you bleed”
I find so much peace in these words and the reminder that I was not called to do any of this life alone. He will take me where He wants me, and on top of that He will even go before me if I will just surrender to Him. In this season of questioning and searching I am being brought back to the thankfulness I have that our Heavenly Father’s promises stay true and that He is exactly who He says He is, every single day.