I’m writing this blog post at the same time as I’m thinking about the testimony I’ll share with the fellows at one of our roundtable dinners in a few weeks. I’m asking myself what to include and exclude from this story as I work on it. By many accounts, this story is mine to write and tell, highlighting different pieces of my life as I see fit. But, if I want to truly say that I submit all I have and am to God, then I need to find ways to invite Him to tell the story of my life through His eyes with the words I will write.
How easy it would be to rattle off the same testimony that I have given before! How confusing it is to try and believe that God wants to use my words for His purpose. Now, granted, I believe that God has used the words of my testimony before and will use them again. I don’t doubt that at all. I do, though, wonder what parts of my former testimony can be pruned back to create space for the blooming of other places where God has worked in my life.
As I think about what God might want me to say, I consider words from a prayer given at one of our recent roundtables, “let today be the day that we know You least.” I pray that this is true for all of us who pursue our Heavenly Father. I also note that when I turn my eyes back toward what my faith has looked like, the days are varied and not always in a clear progression towards better communion with God and neighbors. Some days I feel I saw God clearly, and others I’ve felt scattered, searching everywhere and not seeing where He was.
How can I seek and find God consistently? Two places arise quickly for me: scripture, and prayer. My Bible-reading habits are not always as regular as I would like them to be, and I find joy in working on that during this Fellows year. As a group, the men of the program are reading through the book of Acts together, and I am being reminded repeatedly in our time reading to glorify God and share what beautiful things He has done! Seeing God’s faithfulness to take care of His people is such an encouragement to me, and something that I feel He is pushing me towards sharing in my testimony.
What about prayer? As part of a senior capstone class at Westmont College, I was required to schedule and attend spiritual direction for my fall semester. I had never participated in spiritual direction, or even really knew what it was. Was it some sort of Christian talk therapy? Was it a way to see someone else’s faith and model mine after it? I felt sort of uneasy going in.
What I was met with was both uncomfortable and beautiful. For maybe the first time in my life, someone invited me to simply be silent and listen for God. Up to that point almost all of my prayer time had been spent petitioning or thanking God, but not really giving Him time to respond (not to say that I could or did limit His responding). Every few weeks, I would meet with my spiritual director in the Monroe house on campus. We would sit together in silence for at least 15 minutes before I would give a nod and be asked: “What is God inviting you to?” This question changed over the semester, moving from “what is the invitation?” to “what do I need to do about this invitation?” and the cycle repeating.
I had never really considered that God would interact with me through my own thoughts and feelings. I always held some sort of implicit belief that since I was (as Paul writes), “chief of sinners,” that God would interact with me through some exterior mode and not through myself.
This brings me back to my original question: how can I let God use my testimony and shape it to best glorify Him?
Following my habit from spiritual direction, I’ll spend some time in silence, thinking over the story I have told before, and listening for what God might have me say again. As I do this, specific moments in my life spring into view: going to VBS as a kid, my family moving and saying goodbye to the church we were part of, encountering God at a missions conference in College, and many more. Daunted by the immense breadth with which God and His Spirit have appeared throughout my life, I am in the process of considering each of these moments and asking whether or not they will serve the greater purpose of my testimony as an acclamation of the goodness of God.
As I close on this blog and continue to work on my testimony, I take with me the morning prayer of St. Philaret of Moscow, “Help me in all things to rely upon Your Holy Will. In every hour of the day reveal Your will to me...In all my deeds and words guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events, let me not forget that all are sent by You...Direct my will, teach me to pray, and You Yourself pray in me. Amen.”
Joel Michelson, Class 14
Hometown: Nashville, TN
Westmont College Graduate
